3 January 2023
Rounding out a shapeshifting year. New flavor of inner spaciousness from daily conversations with the vibrant souls in my beehive of a shared studio. People from my planet! Couldn't believe it at first. Sensitivity and curiosity and motors running on love.
A few phosphenes: hovering through the streets in bubbles on wheels, our cast shadows merging in dewy grass, hands cupped for snacks, eyes locking in the dream library. Learning to say it out loud for each other feels important. Tons of hugs too.
Got Covid during term-end assessment! Pretty cool. Deadline night fighting upright against the tug of the undertow from my bed. Finding words in the fog, clicking submit and succumbing.
Waking from the ensuing fever to wander through slow motion snowfall. Neighbor and her dog watching it gently tumble through the beam of a slouching streetlight on the corner. I remember looping “Ess Gee” by Underworld.
Break starting, my appetite respawning. A McDonalds manager calling out “number nine.” The pastel glow of S Mart at the mouth of Queensway station. Also those Tesco scones (can’t hold a candle to Dad’s).
Then a morning train through the countryside to Edinburgh. A man in a window seat drenched in orange sunrise scratching fresh stitches across the bridge of his nose. He was clutching a steaming mug on which “do not put in dishwasher” was written in faded Sharpie.
Following Iain’s lead to learn Scottish topography. Snaking through Dean Village with the Water of Leith by the smell of barley. Passing golden-warm windows in that soft pink evening was a fucking razor pang of desire, my god. Felt paper receipts crumpling in my chest.
Now something about the growing void between the boy my brain sees and the mirror. I hear James Murphy singing “one step forward...” and cut it off there.